I acquired a new piece of furniture last summer. Well, new to me. It was actually purchased at a yard sale of friends who were moving out of the area. The price was ridiculously low and there was no way on earth I could pass it up. I didn’t really need it but the want factor was very high. I’m not sure what drew me to this piece of furniture but for some reason I knew that it needed to come home with me.
The furniture in question is a tan, chaise lounge. It is not the most attractive piece of furniture in my home, nor is it the most used piece of furniture, but it is comfortable and functional and it makes me feel better just sitting or lying on it. I like that it is used. I don’t have to worry about keeping my feet down so that it won’t get dirty, or worry if I spill my morning coffee on it. I can be at home on this lounge and be relaxed. I like that I purchased it from a friend who read and sang and loved her children while sitting here. I imagine myself on this lounge in a year with my nephew snuggled up beside me as we read Good Night Moon, or Nightmare In My Closet… I see myself sitting here in 15 years with a grand baby in my arms singing lullabies …. I imagine Laura and I sitting here in California, Skyping Emily in Hawaii, and reading “The Night Before Christmas” (a long-standing family tradition) on Christmas Eve. This lounge is my haven and I am at peace here. I wish that everyone could have a place they could go to where they feel safe, comfortable, relaxed, at peace.
I have found myself in a very unique position these past few months… experiences and situations arising that are pushing me emotionally, spiritually and mentally… I keep thinking… “Well it can’t get worse than this.” or “I don’t think I can take on anymore.” And yet life continues to play out and I find myself resigned to taking it on and facing the challenges day by day. I also find myself “praying” to whomever, whatever… just sending out thoughts… “I need strength” or “I need understanding.” Sometimes revelation occurs and sometimes not so much. And just about the time I feel like I’ve come to some understanding of God, or my belief system, I find another rock in my path and the uncertainty sets in again. I’m not upset by these questions, the uncertainty… I believe that I will be questioning my entire life. How nice it would be to have that confidence I had as a child… A certain, unwavering belief that everything is going to be just fine, because someone is watching out for me, waiting to help me whenever I need assistance.
But how unlike God that is… at least in my world. I don’t want a God that does not offer free will or that manipulates people like a puppeteer… someone who only heals or helps those he deems worthy, the chosen few. I want a God like my chaise lounge… comfortable and functional… Some one I can go to and not worry about being tidy or neat. Some one that lets me put up my feet, settle in and breath, relax, unwind, and let go of the challenging issues that I am facing. If that is God then scooch over and make a space for me.