Let It Be

2009

I’m sitting alone in my kitchen looking out over the city of Paso Robles drinking a lukewarm cup of coffee. The sky is laced with fluffy white clouds and the the only sound I can hear is the tapping of my fingers on this keyboard.

I enjoy this time. I am calm, at peace, relaxed. I don’t need to be turned on, tuned in, dialed up, clever, witty, entertaining. I can just BE whatever it is that I am thinking or feeling at that moment. No worries that someone will judge me for moving to slow or too fast, doing too much or too little, singing to loud, being lazy or over ambitious. My thoughts are my own and I do not have to share them with anyone. My dogs lie on the floor and if I am so inclined I will share my thoughts with them and no one is here to judge my mental stability.

My last two “relationships” with men have ended simply because I prefer less time together and more time alone… “We don’t spend enough time together.” “You’re ignoring me.” These phrases are invitations to close up shop and move on. Compromise is not an issue. There is no compromise for spending time alone. I Compromise my time alone and I am no longer alone.

I saw a sign once that said, “This stretch of highway cleaned by Loners of America.” Really? How could they possibly be loners if they are getting together as a group to clean up the highway? They miss the whole wonderful, glorious point of being alone. A true loner goes out on her own and does her thing without advertisment or acknowledgement…

Don’t get me wrong… I have not rejected all human contact, nor will I ever do so. I have friends that I like to converse with. I meet with friends 2-3 times a week to have coffee and discuss whatever comes up. I have friends that I like to spend time with on occasion. I am just not one of those people who needs constant companionship… apparently this is a strange phenomenon.

I have been separated for 3 1/2 years. Many people ask me if I plan to remarry. I am not opposed to being in a relationship but I am opposed to sharing my haven with someone else. I enjoy being with others but need to be able to have a place of my own. People who are married, or live with someone, generally do not understand my need to remain alone. They argue that I will change my mind or that I have not met the right person…that one day I will find someone who will “complete” me. I complete myself, thank you very much. I understand we all have different needs, wants, desires. It is what makes this world diverse and interesting. Your needs are not mine, as my needs are not yours.  I can accept your constant need for companionship if you can accept my need to be left alone.

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